Step one.

First personal victory. I’ve noticed lately that I no longer feel that deep down feeling of worthlessness. Before, I could feel happy, but in the back of my mind, I still thought I was worthless.

I still have the same fears  and anxieties, (abandonment being the main one), but I understand now that I AM good enough to be treated with respect and unconditional love-whether it’s from my mom or from anyone. Ever since I had my ”aha” moment…when I realized that my mom scapegoats me…I was almost relieved. Because I knew that if she didn’t scapegoat me, she would have done it to someone else. This means that there is nothing wrong with me. She didn’t treat me

I really used to think ”Gosh…if my life were going better, she would take me seriously”. I thought that earning her respect was an ”if x, then y” formula. And it isn’t. I know that now, because:

I am there for her when nobody else is.

I am an amazing mother to her only grandchild.

I  worked my butt off to earn my degree.

And…nothing. She STILL treats me the same.

Today, I applied to three jobs. I was going to wait a year until my daughter went to Kindergarten, so that I could teach wherever she goes, but I applied to a couple of teaching assistant positions as well as a school system position  that involves some social work. I revamped my cover letters, and they were very strong. I am proud of myself.

I am confident I can hear back from at least 2 positions. I could start working in the fall. Then, I will have the means to move out of this property (my parents own it) and have my own home for the first time.

Last time I moved into a townhouse by myself, my mother went to the leasing office, told them I was crazy/had no idea what I was doing. She made the lady at the leasing office break my lease. I was oblivious to any rights I had. All this so I would have to go back to living either under her roof, or in a townhouse she owns (which is still technically HER ROOF).

I told my boyfriend last night that I need for us to move into our own place no later than the end of October. He has his own house, which he wants to sell. We are both looking forward to starting fresh.  We have been comfortable living here, but I can’t stand living under ”her roof” anymore. She is always talking about how she ”pays for me to live” (because she pays the property tax on the house). I told her that I would pay for everything if she put it in my name (as she promised)…but the promise is yet another dangling carrot of hers, and it’s never going to happen.  I made it clear that if I had a job right now, I would have already started renting my own place at this point. I’m not depending on him to do it for me, I don’t have an issue getting my own place, but we decided to do this together, since we are in this for ”the long haul”. So…this October…we are going to make moves!

So…here’s to making strides.


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