“Happy” birthday.

Almost 3 decades ago, my mother was in labor with me. But she was not smiling. She was not excited about meeting me. She knew she was going to leave me.

I never met her, so I wonder why I can’t just ”get over it”. I feel stupid and foolish for feeling sad about a complete stranger. It happened xx years ago. Move on.  And I do…on every day, except this one.

The first time I thought about the above scenario in my head, I was 18. I haven’t had a ”happy” birthday since. Now, my birthday is more like an anniversary of abandonment. Even though I’m sure she had a ”good” reason (I was born in a 3rd world country, I’m assuming she was poor), I can’t help but feel resentment.

She had no idea that I would be adopted into a family who could give me the world. I could have ended up with anybody. Didn’t that matter? Did she have it THAT bad?

Feelings of resentment turn into feelings of self-doubt. Deep down, I feel unworthy of anything good.  Who could love me and never leave me, if my own mother wouldn’t keep me?

I pretend like my birthday is a happy day because I am a mother now, and it isn’t all about me. Yes, my child knows that I am allowed to feel sad, and I am honest with her when I am feeling sad. But I don’t want to ruin her childhood with memories of ”mommy’s sad birthdays”. So I will smile, accept whatever gifts I receive, and keep it moving.

 

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