Woooooow.

As if life couldn’t get any crazier !!! As soon as I acknowledge that I am not feeling the “void” anymore , I get an email from 23andMe saying i have new DNA relatives.  I am adopted and have never met any biological relatives. There was no trace.

Imagine my surprise when I learn I have a first cousin.

I have been taking to them non-stop.  I am just… so shocked! Happy..excited..wow.

Next…who is my biological parent?

 

Confronting the Golden Child

I don’t know if this will be useless or helpful. But I am considering trying to confront my sister, the golden child, about my mom.

Some points I want to make:

“Have you ever noticed how mom tries to put us against each other? Against dad?”

“You have always resented me because mom ‘gives me everything’ when I mess up …why do you think she rewards me for failing?”

“You feel like mom and dad hold things over your head. ”

“You pointed out that mom would love to see your relationship fail. You said this. Why do you think that is?”

I’m not even going to tell her about how mom makes me out to be crazy. She isn’t ready for that and will have a knee jerk reaction.

What she needs to see is that our mom is VERY manipulative and has no issues bending the truth to get her way.  Once she sees that , everything else will fall into place.

I also need to talk to my doctors. I know i was misdiagnosed and need to get their “ok” to be off these mood stabilizers.

“I miss talking to you”, she says. I feel guilty.  My family is Italian. Not talking to your mom on a regular basis might as well be blasphemy.  I’m used to seeing her every other day.

But when I talk to her, something passive aggressive is said.

How are your classes going? You said they were hard “.

I want to be honest and tell her I’m doing horribly. I have a very active 4 year old who constantly wants to play. My mom lives right down the street and doesnt work.  If she is concerned about my classes, why doesn’t she ever offer to help me with her only grandchild ? An hour here or there would help tremendously.  Instead, she chooses to criticise my parenting. “You play with her all day. She needs to play alone. I never played with you guys”.

She DOES play alone here and there…but she’s an only child. I wasn’t.

Also, my mom didn’t play with us, but my grandma did.

My mom doesn’t play with her granddaughter. She doesn’t take her to the park or the library. My daughter plays by herself at her grandmother’s.  That sucks.  So in addition to being the mom, I do the fun stuff that a grandma “should ” do.

My mom wants to talk to me today. I wish she genuinely cared about how I am, but she wants to pry and find out what is going on in my life, and then criticize. My therapist told me to be vague. Not unpleasant, but just vague. I have been doing that, and it feels good not to over-share.

 

 

Step one.

First personal victory. I’ve noticed lately that I no longer feel that deep down feeling of worthlessness. Before, I could feel happy, but in the back of my mind, I still thought I was worthless.

I still have the same fears  and anxieties, (abandonment being the main one), but I understand now that I AM good enough to be treated with respect and unconditional love-whether it’s from my mom or from anyone. Ever since I had my ”aha” moment…when I realized that my mom scapegoats me…I was almost relieved. Because I knew that if she didn’t scapegoat me, she would have done it to someone else. This means that there is nothing wrong with me. She didn’t treat me

I really used to think ”Gosh…if my life were going better, she would take me seriously”. I thought that earning her respect was an ”if x, then y” formula. And it isn’t. I know that now, because:

I am there for her when nobody else is.

I am an amazing mother to her only grandchild.

I  worked my butt off to earn my degree.

And…nothing. She STILL treats me the same.

Today, I applied to three jobs. I was going to wait a year until my daughter went to Kindergarten, so that I could teach wherever she goes, but I applied to a couple of teaching assistant positions as well as a school system position  that involves some social work. I revamped my cover letters, and they were very strong. I am proud of myself.

I am confident I can hear back from at least 2 positions. I could start working in the fall. Then, I will have the means to move out of this property (my parents own it) and have my own home for the first time.

Last time I moved into a townhouse by myself, my mother went to the leasing office, told them I was crazy/had no idea what I was doing. She made the lady at the leasing office break my lease. I was oblivious to any rights I had. All this so I would have to go back to living either under her roof, or in a townhouse she owns (which is still technically HER ROOF).

I told my boyfriend last night that I need for us to move into our own place no later than the end of October. He has his own house, which he wants to sell. We are both looking forward to starting fresh.  We have been comfortable living here, but I can’t stand living under ”her roof” anymore. She is always talking about how she ”pays for me to live” (because she pays the property tax on the house). I told her that I would pay for everything if she put it in my name (as she promised)…but the promise is yet another dangling carrot of hers, and it’s never going to happen.  I made it clear that if I had a job right now, I would have already started renting my own place at this point. I’m not depending on him to do it for me, I don’t have an issue getting my own place, but we decided to do this together, since we are in this for ”the long haul”. So…this October…we are going to make moves!

So…here’s to making strides.

I find myself feeling so conflicted. She’s my mom. I love her. When I distance myself, I feel mean.

But then, she does things that remind me why I need that distance.

I told her about a job I was interested in. The hours were ideal, and it was at the school I want my daughter to go to. My mom hasn’t worked for a long time (nor does she need to). As I described the job, she immediately decided to apply for the same position. She is more qualified for the job.

Yesterday, she told me that she heard back from the headmaster of the school.  “Ugh, I don’t even really want this job. I didn’t even send a resume but she is practically begging me. They must really have NO OPTIONS.”  (Basically implying the other candidates must suck…thanks).  After ‘complaining about how much she didn’t want the job, she then told me (as we were eating my birthday cake) that she had an interview next week. Even though she “really doesn’t want the job”.

I never even got an email back from the headmaster.  I’m just…floored. The first job I apply to in years  (I’ve been a stay at home mom) and she applies for the same one ?!

 

 

 

“Happy” birthday.

Almost 3 decades ago, my mother was in labor with me. But she was not smiling. She was not excited about meeting me. She knew she was going to leave me.

I never met her, so I wonder why I can’t just ”get over it”. I feel stupid and foolish for feeling sad about a complete stranger. It happened xx years ago. Move on.  And I do…on every day, except this one.

The first time I thought about the above scenario in my head, I was 18. I haven’t had a ”happy” birthday since. Now, my birthday is more like an anniversary of abandonment. Even though I’m sure she had a ”good” reason (I was born in a 3rd world country, I’m assuming she was poor), I can’t help but feel resentment.

She had no idea that I would be adopted into a family who could give me the world. I could have ended up with anybody. Didn’t that matter? Did she have it THAT bad?

Feelings of resentment turn into feelings of self-doubt. Deep down, I feel unworthy of anything good.  Who could love me and never leave me, if my own mother wouldn’t keep me?

I pretend like my birthday is a happy day because I am a mother now, and it isn’t all about me. Yes, my child knows that I am allowed to feel sad, and I am honest with her when I am feeling sad. But I don’t want to ruin her childhood with memories of ”mommy’s sad birthdays”. So I will smile, accept whatever gifts I receive, and keep it moving.